


It Will Have To Be Enough

by CharmmyColour



Category: Milo Murphy's Law
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Autism, Backstory, Bittersweet Ending, Feelings, Gen, Hero Complex, Mental Breakdown, Minor Injuries, Neurodivergent Cavendish, Pre-Episode 02e16b Cavendish's Unleashed, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Stimming, anger issues, can be read as platonic or romantic, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27896467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharmmyColour/pseuds/CharmmyColour
Summary: Balthazar Cavendish has gone rogue to find the alien spaceship he saw abducting someone. To stop his partner and best friend -Vinnie Dakota- from following; Cavendish erased some minutes from his memory.Balthazar was convinced he was doing the right thing, but as days go on without any significant progress after locating the ship, he starts doubting himself... and the relationship he left behind.
Relationships: Balthazar Cavendish & Vinnie Dakota, Balthazar Cavendish/Vinnie Dakota
Comments: 14
Kudos: 29
Collections: Team Cavota





	It Will Have To Be Enough

There were a lot of patterns Cavendish tended to end falling time and time again whenever he felt anxious.

One was pacing. Walking the same steps over and over was, for some reason the Brit didn’t fully understand, particularly soothing. It helped him to free some energy, focus the stream of feelings invading his head into a physical, tangible activity. Of course, pacing didn’t actually calm him down most of the time, but it aided to make him appear like he still retained some control over his body; and considering how lost anxiety made Cavendish feel, it was more than greatly appreciated.

Another one was fidgeting. Moving his fingers around, clenching and unclenching his fists, rubbing his hands against each other, hugging his teddy bear… it sounded silly, Cavendish could admit that; but it gave him some much needed comfort. The way he could just focus on managing every finger individually to perform the action he wanted made him feel some sort of catharsis. When Cavendish was really nervous, moving his hands helped. Sometimes, he flapped them, and it helped his mind to be a little more clear.

But what ashamed him most, in terms of odd ways to manage his anxious nature, was his tendency to talk to himself out loud. Cavendish had never been bothered by silence (well, he wasn’t before meeting Dakota, at the very least); but when worries filled his head, the words burned on his throat like little fireballs he only wanted to spit. After a while working with Dakota, the habit had almost died since, well, Cavendish always had an ear willing to listen now. He couldn’t help it. Keeping his thoughts to himself made the Brit feel trapped.

But now Dakota was not there, and the words burned in Cavendish’s throat.

That scared him. When did he become so reliant on his best friend? Dakota was loud and obnoxious, messy and dirty, too fast to trust strangers and too slow to trust friends, secretive, blunt, with the worst sense of humor, lazy, irresponsible, immature, fickle, odd, vexatious and so very, VERY annoying.

...and Cavendish missed him.

Awfully.

Is not like he regretted going rogue, however. Perhaps the way he had dealt with the whole situation wasn’t the best, Cavendish was willing to admit that, but how could he see someone in danger and simply ignore it? No, that was out of question. Someone had to help the poor person that had been abducted, and if Cavendish was the only one determined enough to do so, then so be it. He would do it alone.

But it didn’t make it hurt less. Cavendish though he was used to being alone.

He was wrong.

The stars were shining outside the spaceship, the forest quiet in the darkness of the night. Cavendish sighed, feeling less than enthusiastic about having to sleep alone again on the cold floor of the ship. At least he still had Dennis with him, or at this point Cavendish was quite sure he would be desperate for anything that resembled human contact. The day had been bad already, the last few bottles of water he bought were gone, and now the only option would be to rely on taking water directly from the river. Food had been scarce during the last week. Thank goodness he was able to identify some edible berries in the area.

Balthazar was not that far from civilization, per se, the city was barely a walking hour away from his location. It was not like he was completely isolated. But the money had run out for days and Cavendish was not really used to camp by himself in the middle of nothing without even some basic utilities to rely on. A sleeping bag, some snacks and the most basic of hygiene products were all he had around.

But he needed to keep going! By Jove that Balthazar T. Cavendish would succeed on his mission to save the planet!

It would be so much easier, he figured, if Dakota was there to help. But he wasn’t, and Cavendish couldn’t even fault him for that because he had been the one to stop him from following in the first place. Oh, blimey…! Why did his thoughts keep wandering to Dakota again and again?

...alright, he knew why. Because they had part in such bad terms, it felt like it had shaken their entire friendship. And the worst thing was Cavendish wasn’t even sure if he wanted them to fix their relationship or not. He missed Dakota, that was a given. He was his best friend. And his words were true: they had patched all their prior arguments, because they were such a wonderful team. And Cavendish liked Vinnie Dakota, genuinely. He was clever, witty, personable, generous and balanced Cavendish’s personality just perfectly. Everything Balthazar lacked, Dakota had plenty to offer.

However...

It was also true that Vinnie had hurted him immensely this time around. Dakota had lots of little flaws and quirks that were, at worst, irritating; but all of that Cavendish could forgive. A few bad puns weren’t going to weaken his affection for the charming stout man in the slightest, no.

But Dakota was not only secretive, he was absolutely hermetic. Meeting him, one would assume he was an open person, a simple man without no much more to offer than what meets the eye; but Cavendish learned soon enough that no matter how many layers he seemed to peel off about his eccentric partner, there was always a new detail to learn. It was endearing as it was frustrating.

And Cavendish figured that was the reason Dakota had the habit of being quite… condescending. Most of the time, it really wasn’t as bad: it only made the Italian to be kinda ominous and slightly dishonest sometimes, but he always had the safety of others at heart; so one couldn’t really get mad with him for it. But once Cavendish had learnt about the Island of Lost Dakotas and after being fired from the Bureau, well… it got worse.

Dakota had not only been terribly condescending to him recently, he was at times throughfuly rude. It made Cavendish feel he has treated like he was stupid, or useless. And Balthazar couldn’t stand that, he really couldn’t. Not from Vinnie.

Muttering under his breath, the Brit sat on a chair and crossed his arms, frowning in irritation. In the table next to him was resting Dennis, carefully placed there by Cavendish himself earlier that evening. The man groaned, focusing his attention on the plushie.

“I can’t believe after all these years, all we have done together, all the adventures, all the fights, all the experiences… I can’t believe Dakota could do this to me.”

“Aren’t you being a little harsh?” Dennis asked, and Cavendish pondered his words.

Well, of course, the teddy bear didn’t literally talk, or Cavendish would have worse problems to consider than the regret he was feeling. The voice he had given Dennis merely sounded in his head, taking the role of a different person he could talk to. When Cavendish felt highly conflicted, having Dennis to discuss his struggles out loud always helped him.

“You don’t understand,” the Brit protested. “He didn’t believe me. Dakota looked me in the eyes and told me he didn’t believe me. I… I think I never felt more hurt…”

“Come on, you know he didn’t mean to imply you lied,” Dennis offered. “Just that maybe you didn’t actually see what you thought.”

“But I did! I did see the abduction clearly! I could understand some initial hesitation, perhaps, but I was extremely clear about the truth of my word and he STILL didn’t believe me!”

“Well, can you blame him?” Dennis tilted his head (or in Cavendish’s mind, he did so).

“Of course I can,” the man scoffed.

“You do get… rather obsessed, sometimes.”

“I don’t!” Cavendish crossed his arms defensively, but his posture softened immediately. Blast, what was the point of lying to his bloody teddy bear? “I admit I have… a hard time managing my focus. Ideas get in my head and it’s like they slowly tear me from the inside, demanding attention and actions and priority. It’s painful. The rest of the world gets blurry and well… I might jump to conclusions.”

“You did so with Murphy.”

“I’m afraid I did. But this is different,” Cavendish frowned. “I did not jump to any conclusion. I saw the abduction happening, no doubt!”

“Dakota didn’t, though,” Dennis reminded him.

“But see, that was the issue. That shouldn’t matter, because I did, and I told him so. He had to trust me,” he gritted his teeth. “We have been coworkers for a decade. We have faced death so many times together I can’t even… we have learned so much about each other, and from each other. He’s my best friend, Dennis, my best friend in the world.”

Cavendish paused a moment. He was starting to break down.

“But I am not his, am I? Dakota might have stood around for some reason I can’t quite grasp, but… he doesn’t trust me. Everytime I try to get closer, he builds a new wall around himself, everytime I think ‘oh, he finally considers me an equal’, I learn a new secret and realize that no! He doesn’t! He keeps everything from me like if I were a young child he’s merely assigned to care for!

“...that’s all I am to him. A clumsy, incompetent mess to babysit. Friends don’t treat friends like this. Dakota is the most important person in my life, I would do anything for him, but let’s be realistic. All he feels for me is pity. Or maybe he thinks it’s funny how accident-prone I am. ‘Cute’, he says sometimes, but he means I’m just ‘cute’ like a toddler pretending to be as smart as an adult is cute. Pity, it’s simply just pity.”

“But why did he save you so many times, then?” Dennis inquired. “He must care to do that.”

“I don’t know! I don’t understand why he did that! I don’t!” Cavendish's voice cracked. He sobbed, fighting against the tears forming on his eyes. “I must be entertaining to watch, failing over and over; or maybe he feels responsible for me for some convoluted reason. Or-or maybe he has the stupid hope that, if he keeps giving me chances, I will eventually accompplish something good, when the truth is I am so pathetic I’m screaming at a stuffed animal in an alien ship no one believes it even exist!”

Dennis didn’t reply.

“But he’s not my FRIEND, because what friends do is trust each other. And Dakota doesn’t trust me. He doesn’t trust me. Dakota doesn’t trust me…”

Cavendish muttered the words, and his vision unfocused, blurred by the tears. He couldn’t contain his feelings inside any longer. Shaking uncontrollably, he started to cry, sobbing on his knees and curling over himself. He wanted to believe Dakota liked him, that considered him a friend, that he cared about him. Cavendish really did. But how to do so, when Dakota didn’t even consider his words to be enough? When he couldn’t possibly consider Cavendish was enough?

His emotions were switching fast. Now he had let some of the bubbling tension on his chest out, a second wave of anger filled him.

“It 's so unfair!” He screamed against his knees, half-choked by tears. “I gave up everything! I had a good career, a good position, a reputation! I had money, I had a magnificent home, I worked for the Queen, my parents were so proud of my Law career! People respected me! I gave up everything to become a time traveler, and look at me now! A complete failure!”

“Why leave behind such a good life behind, then?” Dennis asked, and it was more a reminder than a question.

“I… I wasn’t happy…” Cavendish muttered.

“Why?”

“Because it was not right!” The Brit snapped with a whimper, uncurling himself. “What I did back then was helping the rich get their way. Just using the law to win for the behalf of my powerful clients, no matter if they really acted wrong. It was not justice at all. I… I saw them, Dennis! I looked people in the eyes, people that could barely afford food, people that needed help, people that needed a hero! I looked them in the eyes and took everything from them! I was a monster! A villain!

“And my parents, and my peers, everyone around me always reassured that it was just like things worked. Just the way things are. That they deserved it, and the punishment was merely justice.That I was a barrister, and my only job was to help my clients win, not to worry about the morals of the case. And I believed them, Dennis, for years I did.

“But I knew there was no justice. Because I was the one searching through law books how to exploit the loopholes. I was the villain.”

Cavendish’s shoulders slumped heavily at the memory. He took Dennis and hugged the plushie tightly, making it squeak. That was certainly a comfort, for sure, it made him feel better. Screaming had helped Cavendish release some steam, and now everything seemed to wash away, away…

“I don’t regret it…” he said softly. “I don’t regret walking away. Even if the job was worse, and I was away from home, and my parents pretty much disowned me for ‘following a fantasy’. It was the right thing to do. I was chasing my dream to make the world a better place, to actually save people. But I didn’t realize until that moment how hard being on my own was going to be…”

“But you weren’t on your own,” Dennis spoke gently.

Cavendish chuckled. “Indeed. Dakota crashed in my life pretty much the moment I had lost everything, quite literally. I don’t think I would have lasted a year in the field without his help.”

“You hated him.”

“I did not! ...not much,” Cavendish scoffed. “I concede his rambunctious, aggravating personality was hard to tolerate at first; not to mention his lazy behavior and tendency to break the rules. But even so, there was something so… real about him. No one had confronted me so openly before, I was always inside the bubble of my family’s status, and no one really… talked to me. An actual conversation with me, not a polite exchange. They were often intimidated for a reason or another, and it was just so shallow.

“But Dakota confronted me from the beginning, and never stopped doing so, even when he learned who I was,” he sighed, dreamily. “I was not a title, not ‘the son of’, not my money, or my family or my past. It was just me. And Dakota was so raw about what he felt about me, positive and negative.”

The man looked at the empty space next to him.

“I miss the banter… Dakota doesn’t sugarcoat the world for me. Sometimes it makes me really angry, but at the end, I am truly grateful for it. Dakota does not lie to…” his eyes closed. “...well, at least I thought so. Now I’m not sure.”

“You are being harsh again.”

“It’s just frustrating! Dakota is special. He’s different, he… believed in me. The real me. For some reason…” Cavendish looked away. “He was always there when no one else was. Even when I was a failure, a dissapointment, a terrible friend and partner, he was there. And then all of the sudden he starts doubting me? Gaslighting me, making me feel like my concerns, my dreams, my efforts are worth nothing? I don’t get it! I thought Dakota supported us getting a better job, some recognition, some… anything! But he was treating me like I was just being cranky! I am not cranky! I just want something better for us!”

Cavendish hissed, seating Dennis on the table again and starting to pace, his frowning expression getting more and more frustrated. He felt like he was going on and on in circles about the same thing, but not reaching any conclusion, and that was on itself terribly irritating. There was something buried on his chest that kept hurting him, but Cavendish couldn’t figure what it was, and he hated it.

“How could Dakota betray me like that, after all we have lived together. He knows how awful it feels to be dismissed, how awful it is that people don't believe your words! He knows! And he still GOES AND DOES IT ANYWAY!” Cavendish was startled by his own shout, clenching his fists in front of a wall. “I JUST WANTED TO DO THE RIGHT THING ALL ALONG!”

He didn’t recognize the fist buried in the metallic wall at first until he registered the pain climbing through his own arm. The material was slightly crumpled now. There were some red drops around it, and it still took Cavendish a few more moments to process it was his own blood. His knuckles were tainted, bleeding, but he didn’t care. He just hid it inside his other hand, like that somehow would erase the event from his memory.

“I wanted to protect Dakota from this because he wouldn’t understand, and how would it be fair to him to risk his life if he didn’t even believe it happened?” He whispered to himself. “But maybe I just felt like he was not being loyal, and that was utterly selfish of me. Dakota is selfless and devout as any man I have ever met, and he didn’t deserve…”

He paused.

“Oh, Dennis, this is what you were trying to make me see, wasn’t it? He never said I was lying. He never said my concerns weren’t important. He was just worried because I was spiraling, as usual, and Dakota thought calming me down would be the best path at the moment. I had been irrational in the past, why wouldn’t he think I was merely focusing on the wrong thing again? And I…” Cavendish sobbed. His glasses fell to the floor, but through the blur of the water drowning his eyes, he could hardly see them. “I went and erased his memory.

“Because I wanted to make sure he would be safe, but… also because some part of me expected, somehow hoped… that it would erase me from his memory completely.”

He sat against the table and let himself slide down until he was sitting on the cold floor. His words weren’t even cracking anymore. If Dennis had been an actual person, he would be concerned about how hollow Cavendish sounded.

“I wish Dakota could forget about me. About my failures. About my own reckless mistakes that forced him to break the rules just to protect me. About all the times I yelled and lashed my frustration over him. I didn’t know what else to do, because I am just a pathetic excuse of a person. But that doesn’t make my mistakes disappear, wiping some minutes from his memory doesn’t make the mistakes go away. I just… I’m tired. I’m tired of trying.

“All I ever wanted was to feel useful, yet… no one cares. Not even the universe cares, or it wouldn’t be trying to kill me again and again. And then, what is even my purpose here? What am I doing here? If I was a bad agent, a bad janitor, a bad son, a bad partner and a bad friend… if I’m not any of these things anymore, then… then…”

He looked down at his hands.

“Then, who am I?”

Silence, all there was in that bloody spaceship was silence. It was maddening. Cavendish took his glasses from the floor and examined the frame carefully. He did not fear they had been broken (no, these glasses had been thought a lot worse), he just needed an excuse to focus his attention on anything that wasn’t the absence of sound. He had thought that, even if he missed him, resting from Dakota’s incessant chit-chat would be pleasant. He was, again, terribly wrong.

“How are you going to fix it?”

Cavendish blinked. Usually, by that point, the voice on his head that was Dennis stopped completely, letting him dwell on his own misery. But this time was different. This time, he realized what was in danger was much more important. Dennis was right: he couldn’t just cry and lament what he did. Dakota deserved better than that.

“I can’t allow my own emotions to take the lead like this,” he dried his eyes vigorously, his expression changing with the new determination filling his chest. “I made a mistake, but that’s no excuse! I have been caring for Dakota for years, making sure he was stable, that he didn’t hurt himself, that he was happy; and I’m not going to stop now! He deserves an apology, I didn’t consider properly how my actions would affect him. I… I probably made him awfully worried. I hope he can forgive me for that.”

Cavendish stood on his feet again and looked at the structure around him, considering his options. A plan was needed now.

“I can’t return, not yet. Whoever was abducted still needs help; and I must figure if the alien beings that owned this ship constitute a danger for humanity. No matter how much I desire this situation to finalize, this is the right thing to do. I must stay and figure how this technology works. Ensure the safety of everyone in the city.

“I can’t put Dakota in risk. He’s smart and strong, he doesn’t need me, he would be able to be by himself just a little more, just a little bit more until the work here is done. But then… I must find him, and let him know I am sorry. For everything.”

Feeling better now he reminded himself of his own mission, Cavendish took a couple of deep breaths and gently held Dennis between his arms. He cradled the plushie, smiling slightly at the warm contact. A sad smile, but a smile, nonetheless.

“Thank you, Dennis. You’ll see, we will set this right. I promise.”

Cavendish hugged the teddy bear.

It was not Dakota, but it will have to be enough.

For now, it will have to be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to the Discord server Team Cavota for being my wonderful betas!


End file.
